Pampering ~ a pathway to power
Google+ ADHD http://www.finerminds.com/love-relationships/adhd-in-children The Unique Energy In Each Child Every child is born with a unique nature. In my work with children, I have discovered four distinct patterns of energy that children naturally express. You’ve probably seen these patterns. Some children are naturally louder while others are more subdued. Some children need more social time while others want solitude. I describe these different energies in four types. When you know which type of energy a child expresses, you know a lot about what makes them unique. How Do The Four Types Relate To ADHD? In my model of children’s behavior, the first of the four types expresses a light, random, unstructured energy. I call these Fun-Loving Type One children. They connect to the world socially and express the highest level of movement. When placed in a highly structured environment (like school), their energy is often misunderstood. They are judged as unfocused and hyperactive. In short – ADHD. What’s Really Going On? In an effort to free themselves from too much structure, Fun-Loving Type One children become louder and more random than they naturally are. They do it to resist a structure that runs contrary to their nature. The truth is, these children can focus (and they do), if given a more unstructured environment and hands-on learning experiences. Why Is This A Gift? All four types of children express natural gifts. Fun-loving Type One children naturally bring out others playful energy and brighten our mood. They have brilliant minds that think quickly – so quickly that you assume they’re not focusing at all, but they are. These children have a gift for having more ideas than they can accomplish. This can make them appear scattered. But if you appreciate their ideas and guide them in selecting which to pursue, you’ll support these children in expressing tremendous creative power. The Other Three Types Of Children I’ve only mentioned Fun-Loving Type One children. They are most likely to be misdiagnosed with ADHD. But the other three types of children are also important to understand. The Sensitive Type Two These children often adapt to a school structure. More subdued and comfort-oriented, they tend to go with the flow. They naturally bring peace. Their main challenge is worrying too much about details. The Determined Type Three Results-oriented, these children move swiftly through tasks. They also struggle with ADHD misdiagnosis, as they are usually ready to move to the next task before their classmates. They can experience the challenge of being misjudged as rambunctious or hyper. The More Serious Type Four With a more exact, analytical movement, these children either accept the school structure or reject it. They can naturally focus on one task for longer periods of time. They are sometimes misjudged as critical, but when honored for their nature, they are very respectful. How We Wound Our Children Many argue whether or not ADHD even exists. I am not taking one side or another. I am, however, pointing out a trend that wounds our children – as we sometimes label children’s natural gifts as weaknesses because we do not understand them. ADHD is just one example. Many children are only diagnosed with ADHD once they reach school. Isn’t that telling? We need to recognize that children without a disorder are being diagnosed with one. In a school system and culture that demands a more focused, structured movement, children with naturally higher, disconnected energy are perceived as hyperactive. We need to reassess our perception of these children or we will continue to wound them by saying they are flawed. "Each of us comes into the world whole and complete, with unique gifts to give. These are the things that come naturally to us, which we love and where we naturally contribute, that support and sustain us throughout our life’s journey, to the degree we are living in alignment with them" http://www.frankieleeslater.com/frankieleeslater/ArtofLiving.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBXY9dBMDzY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSy5HaqGHko dopamine and serotonin going p when having relationship and sex "Heleniq combines a comprehensive knowledge of drumming systems with spiritual insight. She is an inspiring teacher who always maintains a sense of fun in her work." ( Michele Witthaus ) http://www.ahaintelligence.com/wp-content/uploads/AHA-healingheadpotential_Gift.mp3 * * * * * * * * * * tango : flowfinder drumming beingsacred@gmail When you understand how neural pathways are created in the brain, you get a front row seat for truly comprehending how to let go of habits. http://themindunleashed.org/2014/03/train-brain-let-go-habits-10-methods-creating-new-neural-pathways.html Neural pathways are like superhighways of nerve cells that transmit messages. You travel over the superhighway many times, and the pathway becomes more and more solid. You may go to a specific food or cigarettes for comfort over and over, and that forms a brain pathway. The hopeful fact, however, is that the brain is always changing and you can forge new pathways and create new habits. That’s called the neuroplasticity of the brain. I used to drive with one foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator, and I wanted to train myself to drive with one foot only. It took some time, as I had a strong neural pathway for two-footed driving. But because I had the will to do it, I built a new pathway, and I rewired or reprogrammed my brain. You can remove a behavior or thought or addictions directly from the brain. Because of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ever-changing potentials, anything is possible. People who’ve had strokes can retrain their brains to function again by building new pathways. Smokers and overeaters and many others can learn new behaviors and attitudes and can transform their lives. Whether you work with others on their habits or you work with your own (or both), you can apply these understandings to boost your success. Some Powerful Ways to Retrain the Brain 1. IDENTITY THE HABIT YOU’D LIKE TO TRANSFORM AND SET THE INTENTION. You may remember the punch line “The light bulb has to want to change.” You have to have a high intention to change as well. If there is this high intention, then creating new pathways in your brain is bound to happen. 2. OBSERVE WHAT THE OLD HABIT OR PATHWAY IS DOING IN YOUR LIFE. Look at feelings, thoughts, and how the body is responding to the habit, and see what results you’re creating in your life. Be the witness, and be aware. 3. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS. This is very important. To create a new neural pathway, you take the focus off the old habit, and then that old habit eventually falls away. Don’t pay attention to the donuts and cakes. Take your awareness and focus it on good, wholesome, healthy delicious foods. 4. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. You can build new neural pathways not only with new behaviors, but through the imagination. Just imagine the new behaviors over and over and over. Keep repeating that in your mind so you build new pathways. Focus your mind and retrain your brain. 5. INTERRUPT YOUR THOUGHTS AND PATTERNS WHEN THEY ARISE. Say “no” or “cancel” when an old thought or impulse comes in, and say, “I don’t have to do that anymore.” Then turn toward the new neural pathway you’re building and keep on going in the right direction. 6. USE AVERSION THERAPY. This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. It’s an optional path. I like to call it “the maggots on the chocolate cake technique.” I used to love candies and sweets, and when I stopped eating them, I still had to pass by them when I walked by the candy store in town. I used aversion to train my brain to walk on by: “That’s junk,” I said to myself. “It’s made in factories, sickeningly sweet, makes me feel bad. The company makes it so sweet just to addict buyers. I don’t want any of that.” So I talk myself out of it. I’ve use it with many clients (only those who say they want it) on smoking, junk food, cocaine and many other behaviors. 7. CREATE A SPECIFIC PLAN AND CHOOSE WHAT TO DO INSTEAD. When you get specific, it’s easier to build new neural pathways. You “make it official.” Decide if you want to exercise instead of overeating or if you want to eat fruit instead of candy. Just keep focused on the new choice. You may want to create affirmations and anchors to reinforce your choices. This can be “I’m free or “I’m in control.” Reinforce this with energy therapies like EFT or other techniques. 8. TRANSFORM THE OBSTACLES. Look at what’s in the way. Look at secondary gain – what you’ve been getting out of the old habits or pathways. Look at the stress in your life and how you can handle it differently. Get your mind in the place of possibility. Handle the emotions and thoughts and get on a new superhighway in your mind. 9. CONNECT WITH YOUR HIGHER SOURCE FOR INSPIRATION AND SUPPORT. Listen to our guidance. Know you have the Force within you, and therefore you have great power. Meditation creates new pathways and brain changes. Actual studies have been done on the brains of monks to show meditation’s effect on neural circuits of the brain. 10. TRANSFORM AND MAKE THE SHIFT. Know that transformation is always possible and that you can create new brain pathways whenever you’re ready to make the shift. When you keep your mind in the “I can do it!” space, you get a clear sense that you’re done with the old and on a new beam now. Some people feel we’re being rewired spiritually for anew era. There’s great upheaval now in our world. And there’s a process of transformation happening on earth in which huge changes are taking place for all of humanity. You have to be present in the moment, overcome your fears, and get to know the Infinite source so you can be a vehicle for the light to predominate on the earth. Ronna Detrick Yesterday at 7:07am near Tacoma, WA, United States I have been thinking of/feeling much darkness these past days - as gift instead of essence/experience to be feared. Then this beautiful quote via Christine Valters Paintner this morning: "We seldom go freely into the belly of the beast. Unless we face a major disaster like the death of a friend or spouse or loss of a marriage or job, we usually will not go there. As a culture, we have to be taught the language of descent...to enter willingly, trustingly into the dark periods of life. These dark periods are good teachers...We must learn to stay with the pain of life, without answers, without conclusions, and some days without meaning. That is the path, the perilous dark path..." ~ Richard Rohr Aine Dee AND it's where our most valuable and evolutionary gifts lie dormant. We can't access them and offer them fully to the world with the very same challenges until we spend "quality time" and make compassionate peace with our darkness. "There is still so much shame and bypass, especially in spiritual-enlightenment-focused circles. We're encouraged to be only joy, which is so-o-o-o limited in intensity and sustainability by our very own unwillingness to be with the darkness. Can you tell how much I appreciate this post?!! You're a woman after my own soul!" Elyse Presnell-Swenson I also like to eat the GOD crumbs along the way on my journey inward, even when its dark, deep down below! I just stay open/breath even in the fits of rage brew! the key is staying with it! Flow Daniel Goleman Author of FOCUS: The Hidden Driver of Excellence Influencer Many people recently asked me to talk more about the flow state - a topic I touched on in last week's post. “Flow”, the state where we feel in command of what we do, do it effortlessly, and perform at our best, was discovered by researchers at the University of Chicago. They asked a wide range of people, “Tell us about a time you outdid yourself – you performed at your peak.” No matter who answered – ballerinas, chess champs, surgeons – they all described the flow state. One of flow’s best features: it feels great. Today we all realize that we do our best work in those special moments when we are in flow. And for leaders helping people get into flow and stay there means they will work at their peak abilities. But how do you get into flow in the first place? I can think of three main pathways. The first matches a person’s tasks to his or her skill set. In the Chicago study, this was put in terms of the ratio of a person’s abilities to the demand of the task. The more a challenge requires us to deploy our best skills, the more likely we will become absorbed in flow. If we are under-challenged – it’s too easy – our performance suffers and we end up bored or disengaged. That’s the plight of a large portion of knowledge workers, some statistics suggest. Upping the challenge would engage more of these people, and for a lucky few perhaps get them into flow. Another path to flow lies in finding work we love. Doing what we’re passionate about is one sign of “good work,” the topic of research by Howard Gardner at Harvard, Bill Damon at Stanford, and Mihalyi Csikzentmihalyi, the discoverer of flow. In good work we align what we’re best at doing with what engages us and also what fits our sense of meaning and purpose. Good work puts us in a frame of mind where, again, flow can arise spontaneously. The final common pathway of any approach to flow is fully absorbed focus. The stronger the concentration we bring to a task, the more likely we are to drop into flow while doing it. While the other paths to flow depend on getting the externals right – the challenge/demand ratio, or finding work that aligns ethics, excellence and engagement – full focus is an inner dimension. The better our ability to pay attention to what we choose and ignore distractions, the stronger our concentration. Strong focus can bring us into flow no matter the task at hand. This is an inner strength we develop and strengthen. Mindfulness, for instance, is one way to bulk up the muscle of attention, particularly if we use mindfulness to notice when we have wandered away from a chosen point of focus and bring our attention back. That, in fact, is the basic repetition for toning up concentration in the mental gym, according to research done at Emory University. We can strengthen this ability on our own time, just as we would go to the gym after work. A daily mental workout where you use your breath as the point of concentration, and continually bring your wandering mind back to your breath, will bulk up your power to focus. Regular brain strengthening should help you find your way to flow no matter what you do. This Thursday I’ll be at UC Berkeley to discuss lessons such as these from my new book Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence. And on Friday, November 22, I’m speaking at Spirit Rock in Marin County, a center where you can go for retreats on mindfulness – an industrial strength dose of the attention training you’d get at work. There I’m eager to hear from any coaches who are using mindfulness with their clients, or anyone who has learned mindfulness at work, to see what they have to say. 1 How to give and receive feedback ~ Attention Parents Bosses well everybody ! According to Law professor Douglas Stone, one of life's most underrated skills is receiving feedback. Feedback is built into our life development with school teacher feedback, parental feedback and then professional employer, client feedback, and even personal friend and lover feedback. It can cause tremendous anxiety, however, is one of the most useful ways to learn about oneself and the impact we have on others. So is their an approach we could have to accelerate the way we learn from the feedback ? Here is a 5 step list to make sure we are getting empowered when feedback comes: Receiving Feedback : 1-Decide if you want honesty or support and ask for that clearly. Perhaps you can even try experiencing both for a more balanced perspective, this could be at different times or start with the honest feedback and then finish with the supportive feedback if its suitable to completely see yourself in both the 'how to improve' and 'well done' light. 2-Consider asking for 'one 'thing, Instead of "Do you have any feedback for me", say " What's the one thing you see me doing- or failing to do - thats getting in my own way ? " 3-Listen for whats right. When someone gives you their feedback try to hear the growth and positive effort you have made int heir words and be careful to hear then also the ways you can improve. You want to be careful to not get too focussed not he good stuff as a way of defending yourself, if this happens pull back into a really clinical and objective stance and listen again to both reminding yourself what you are hearing is about your actions, your performance and your behaviour, not you as a person essentially. 4-Look under labels and ask for examples when someone says "Be more productive". Invite them to explain further if they seem willing, in what ways they believe you are being the label, then get specific. For example you can even ask them for specific actions you could take for this to happen. Listen to this a supportive feedback that can guide you to better perform. 5-Try out some of the suggestions you get given before taking it all to heart. Rather than deciding if the feedback is useful or useless, design small experiments to see for yourself. Don't decide immediately if you agree or not, rather experiment, try out and re-evaluate. Courtesy of Douglas Stone and Shiela Heen- Law lecturers at harvard Law School and authors of Thanks for the Feedback : the Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly, Delivered and, Frankly, You're Not in the Mood), Penguin Portfolio) ********************* 2_____________ Can you give good feedback ? Feedback is a significantly important part of life, a highly underrated skill and a great way to learn about ourselves. Offcourse in professional setting due to specifically shared impacts of low work performance, giving feedback happens distinctly differently when compared to the feedback given by a school teacher, which effects really only ourselves. Even feedback from our parents when we were younger has a distinct style, or that from friends and colleagues. Whatever the context, all kinds of feedback can create anxiety and so giving feedback responsibly becomes really important. So what are the ways to give the people we love and guide good feedback and how can we become truly supportive, here are some tips : Giving Feedback : Suggest self improvement strategies and learn to be 'stand' for the person. If you are a boss, suggest coaching or self improvement strategies. If you are a parent or friend, learn to be a 'stand' for your child, friend, employee and or colleagues greatness. We all need a goal or higher vision guiding system to go beyond the normal daily results of our life, and people who can hold the torch for us as we keep running the mile, waiting for us to get there, are the best support for us to meet our goals. This is what helps us override ultimately, our own self doubt, laziness and fear. 2-When you're about to tie feedback check how the person is feeling. It really helps to do a vibe check in most moments where what you have to say or bring has power to change or influence, so ask about what the person is expecting to hear and how they feel themselves they are doing, what they thought of their behaviour, performance etc. Once you have heard, adjust your tone accordingly, be objective, truthful , diplomatic and considerate and the feedback will land well. 3-Be Aware of Criticism Relentless feedback that repeats over and over is damaging and should be avoided. So should a sense of blaming and or hopelessness about the persons ability to remedy behaviour. Criticisng feedback is hurtful and can even wound the sense of self and the performance, backfiring horribly with a fear based way of responding. Rather inspire and self motivate, for less maintenance and overall respect. 4-Be specific in terms of decisions and and actions Try to find a few examples of how the person can improve their results, rather than labelling or branding their behaviour with generalisations. "Be more assertive" or "study more" for example would be much more helpful is you explain in which circumstances to increase assertion or study and what decisions to make to support this increase. 5- Suggestions, suggestions, suggestions Obviously, making a few suggestions is much more helpful than naming and shaming. There is an art to guiding a person to develop character when you offer feedback and rather then being fixed and decided about the person, taking on an explorative approach offers great results at times. Some say don't bother pointing out 'mistakes if you can't improve them or suggest ways to improve the behaviour, this too is a good way to manage limit pointless or unhelpful labelling. Courtesy of Douglas Stone and Shiela Heen- Law lecturers at harvard Law School and authors of Thanks for the Feedback : the Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly, Delivered and, Frankly, You're Not in the Mood), Penguin Portfolio) 3____________ Inspiration 5 deep mind shifts to up your mojo Self improvement : Adaptability and high performance are results of strategies you implement to help you improve yourself. In fact, people who seek out training or coaching regularly score higher on performance reviews than others and they can adapt quickly to new roles (1). Find some kind of and self improvement is process that you believe in and dedicate yourself to being honourably guided and mentored into the best most flexible version of yourself Uniqueness : It has been said by philosophers, human scientists, many of those artistically minded and even celebrities, that each person has a unique quality and gift to bring to this world (2). It becomes important and even vital at a certain point in each persons life to truly meet this inner potential and give it room to bloom. There are many ways to do this, the best of which must involve a progressive growth aspect to better secure bring long term fulfilment : Set up a self knowledge relationship with a reputable therapist coach or trainer, start an activity you've always wanted to try and master it, do much more of any skill or activity that makes you feel really good. What Matters : Apparently, Einstein had a sign in his office with the following quote : "What counts cannot be counted and what is counted doesn't count" (3). It is true that human beings have a tendency to think, worry and concern themselves with all kinds of nebulous stuff. Also we have a natural easy flowing way to distort the reality we see before us and the way we perceive the truth. Therefore with this in mind it is useful to realise and remind yourself of what really is the core of any issue, you can simply ask " what is the most important thing about this situation I am facing, what is my overall intention, or central concern ? " and resolve that. Ditch the fantasy : Chris Barez is a creativity expert offers great inspiration to aeroplane passengers. His sentiments have been quoted in the inflight Business Life magazine for British Airways where he explains that 'our brains love to fantasise about whats going to happen or what happen in the past but we're often not in the moment now. Getting continually distracted like this is a problem because we can get addicted to it. So, he advises, "Stop doling all the imagination stuff and just 'be' for a second (1). Train Brain Gain : Just as the brain is easily distracted into fantasy it also easily focusses on what is missing. To train your brain to simply shift focus into what you have or what you want is harder done than said, but still it remains one of the most significant ways to use your mental energy to really serve you and your best intentions. There are a few ways to train yourself : 1)Catch yourself when you are sad and notice what you were thinking, simply distract yourself and develop the maturity to accept that you may not be in the best mind state then to truly believe your thoughts 2) write a list of what you are grateful for and then practice that skill each night before sleepy adding to the list 5 items 3)write a list of what you want to feel in the future and imagine feeling these feelings during and after writing. (1) Business Life, March 2014, pg 54, 58 (2)Socrates named the fulfilment of each persons potential the 'entelechy', a well studied concept. (3)Wikipedia 4 Stand Out "Stop trying to fit in when you made to stand out" (Anonymous) The nature nurture debate has been at the cornerstone of discussion for most human science disciplines. Trying to decipher how free we really are to chose and how unique each one of us really is, it has now been accepted that we are born with or arrive here with some aspect that is pure nature. Then that 'essential nature' gets shaped and moulded by our families, social norms and rules of our environment. Some argue that we are a blank slate, a with canvas onto which every things is painted on, but research on twins and their different natures has ruled this idea out as far too simplistic. Far more convincing, is the idea that we are a little bit of essential nature with blank spaces to get coloured in by the world. And how the world colours us in people, sometimes leaving no space for us to be ourselves. So much so that we even start believing we are what the world wants us to be. This belief is often so engrained that is operates as a kind of protection to ever knowing ourselves truly. As protection it can become so inconveniently convincing that we become attached to it and affectionately fight with it all at the same time. Commonly known as the 'ego' this part of us can become brutally defensive from perfectly masking the essential nature it has spent our lives burying. When you live in a country that wants you to be the same as everyone else, it becomes even harder to remember this essential self. In fact, some say that is inconvenient for them to govern people that are in touch with there uniqueness and power and so it is better to lead the masses to believe they must be like everyone else to be accepted. And there are many ways to suppress the human spirit - believing this my friend like smoking, is a slow form of suicide. It really works and look how many follow. So what of this essential nature we brought with us. Does anything of it remain after this ego grows and bellows out into the world convincing us and everyone around us that we are it! How do we search for the essential nature we brought with us. These my friends are the deep yearnings of a spiritual quest, the secret whispering longings of the sickness that grips our hearts and minds. They are the motives and the drive that pushes us out of the depression, the disappointment and the darkness. This the search for truth, our true nature and the meaning of our life. 5 Deflation ! * "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." ~ Khalil Gibran ~ You may have heard the call from saints, sages and seers to beware of living the life journey with the loss of humility and grace. Many have spoken the words, shared the idea that as humans, we are extremely vulnerable to losing touch with our innocence, our integrity and reverence for life. This may be a spiritual focus, that of reverence for life, but the emotional maturity it takes to live life with integrity and innocence is relevant to all stages of human development, spiritually interested or not. Perhaps even, it is a quality that we must all cultivate if this planet is going to continue to home us on it. For is it not the absolute arrogance and egoistic desires of each one of us that helps us to easily forget how to accept certain things we don't like. Maybe this ego we all speak of needs a closer look, what is it and how does it manage to deceive us for so long, and most intriguingly, how does it manipulate reality to show us our worth in material possessions, as though that is our highest value. Pampering and Power * Managing stress well, for both sexes, requires a significant realisation about the value of ' me ' time. Since women have a different hormonal system to men, there response to stress is completely unique. The distinct difficulty with this - and what complicates the whole thing - is that for women, 'me' time is unnatural, impossible and even illegal for the mere inconvenience of it all and the insane schedules most working moms are running these days. In all of nature grooming is a central, seemingly relevant for mating rituals but it also seems to be a preferred general hobby. God, or whatever, designed body care for a reason and now modern relationships therapists are finding out why. The research shows that relevant and regular grooming practices in womens circles does a lot to raise the hormone Oxytocin, as does the general women bonding, steam blowing debriefing about love marriage and children. This is why women gathered in communal settings, cooking, sharing, helping and coming closer to each other. Stress levels decrease afar such enoucnters and moreover this is just not available in the same same between men and women and between men. perhaps due to the over-subjectification of women in our societies, many modern women devalue self grooming, viewing it is an insult to the intelligence and inner beauty of their person. Truth is, whatever the politics of pampering, it is a necessary and sometimes vital part of survival for women especially int he modern world and even more than a crazy balancing act, a more profoundly placed one for now it is important to also develop the inner beauty too.